So Malta and I talked about moving back home and I COULDN’T BE ANY MORE HAPPIER!
I’ve been wanting to go back home but I wouldn’t want to go without him. I’d rather suffer the intense heat here with him than live comfortably home without him. We both agreed that we don’t fit in well with these floridians, that we can’t live in this weather, that we’re way to far from our families, and that he would be happier working in landscaping with his buddies than working in the food industry. He said he’ll have to think about it for a few more months and I agreed with him, but in all honesty, I’ve made my decision already. We have five (or I guess four now) months before the lease is up, so I have time to save up and look for a place wherever he is deciding to move to, even though my parents would let me live with them until I can find a place. We also need to visit the beach a few more times and go to Disney (he’s never been to disney before) and Universal Studios before we leave.
Florida is just way to freaking hot for me! And sticky! It’s a great place to vaca, but not to actually live!
I’ve come to the conclusion that the way I am now is the way I was then and the way I will always be. I’ve never been interested in other’s drama or gossip or trends. I’ve always been an outsider. Ever since I can remember, it’s always been like that.
Most people really aren’t on my level, or I’m not on theirs. I’ve only ever truly clicked with very few people and those people came and went. Throughout my years trying to fit in, I’ve met dishonest people, manipulative people, people who go through friends like they are trends, people who get easily bored with others, people who are way to influenced by those around them, and all around assholes. Why should I bother trying to conform with these people? And there’s so many of them! The only genuine person I’ve met is Malta, and I’m completely blessed that he’s also the only person who’s right here with me on this topic: we aren’t like others.
I use to call this ‘loneliness’ and ‘isolation’ and I even diagnosed myself as ‘depressed’ before but I wasn’t lonely, I just didn’t know how to love and enjoy myself. I wasn’t isolated, I just became so full of what I thought was loneliness and depression that my self esteem plummeted and I became so anxious around others. And I certainly was NOT depressed. I was just bored.
But now, all of those thoughts and feelings are gone. It was a long, tough journey but in the end I’ve accepted myself, my mind, my interests, my differences, my beliefs, my past, and my present.
This is how it is and this is how always will be, and that’s ok.
Tripped again last night.
I don’t have good or bad trips. I just have weird ones.
Malta and I dropped it at twelve thirty again and the house was empty again but we went into the room to watch wallace and gromit while we started coming up and lo and behold, a party started. I was curious to know what was going on outside but I was too paranoid to actually go outside. I heard people arguing, people yelling, guys failing at hitting on girls. Everything was so stupid to me: why are they here? why do people come over to chill? I came to the realization that I’m literally not meant for human interaction. But other than some petty drama, the trip was good.
People are dumb.